Sunday, 8 June 2008

Manipulation - sometimes it's in the littlest incidents

I've mentioned this incident before I'm going to repeat myself because I've possibly discovered a new interpretation of the event. It's one that has puzzled me ever since it happened in the late 70s when I was little, perhaps eight or nine.

We used to have fairly regular visitation with the male parent, once a month more often than not. He would pick us up and take us home again. I can only remember one occasion when Mum came to pick us up because she was on holiday in the area so it made sense for everyone.

We hadn't seen her for at least one week, may have been two, so we were excited to see her again. When she pulled up outside the house, I remember I had been on the sofa by the window, looking for her for a while. She walked towards the window all smiles and I shouted "She's here!". The male parent ordered me not to go to the door "in case she grabs you".

Of course I didn't understand. She was coming to pick us up and take us home. We didn't live with him. We were going home no matter what, plus the law had said so. I could see her confused expression as she beckoned me to the door, but I shook my head and mouthed "I'm not allowed". Later on I told her what he had said, and asked her why he'd said it. She had no answer and neither did I until a few days ago.

It could be that given how excited we were to see her again, he was jealous. Perhaps it annoyed him - and to have us running to the door to greet her reinforced that to both him and her. He wanted to hurt her (that's what Parental Alienation is all about, after all) so he used us to achieve that. She couldn't hear what he was saying inside the house, so didn't hear his instructions to us, but those instructions made it look like we weren't bothered about her arrival. For us not to run to the door, especially when he knew that we had seen her, made it look like we didn't care much for her arrival.

I think, at that point, it would have had no effect on her other than confusion, because both of us still loved our Mum a lot. I remember feeling the beginnings of PA back then but not enough for her to feel hated (which came later). I was only eight or nine so my sister could only have been five or six. Plus we explained later on why we hadn't come to the door - so his efforts achieved nothing.

It's the only explanation I can think of, because his makes no sense. Why would she have grabbed us and run off with us when she was coming to pick us up anyway?! He wasn't keeping us, we knew that.

Can you think of any other reason for his behaviour, other than wanting to make it look as if we didn't care that she had arrived?


Anonymous said...

Could it have been to plant a seed of fear or apprehension in your mind, infering that your mum might due something underhand, or that there was this "slight" possibility that her behaviour might be irrational or abnormal?

Louise Uccio said...


I agree 100% with the above post. It was to instill a fear in you kids, that's all part of thier game!

So glad you figured it all out and are speaking out to other children that may need help in understanding.

Keep up the awesome work.


GT said...

I believe he did that, thinking if he could make you afraid of her, then he had your love, uncontested, and you would stay with him. He didn't want to share your love and loyalty for him with anyone else. He wanted to ensure that you would stay with him. He also wanted to control you to hold onto you.
I used to do similiar things because I was afraid of losing our kids love and loyalty and didn't want to share them with their other parent. I felt so unloved over the rejection of divorce and missed my ex then. Hope this helps.
-a reformed alienator.