Lies and control

These two subjects are going around my head this week, along with many tears of grief.

The male parent said Mum didn't love me. So I'd ask why she didn't just let me live with him then. He said it was because she wanted to control me.

I believed it. I believed pretty much everything he said for years because he'd got in there first and she never defended herself (but she also didn't understand or know what was happenening, so she didn't know that she SHOULD have defended herself or that there was even anything to defend herself against). Every time she told me off - which is what happens to all kids! - her reprimands bounced off a mind that had been filled with hate: hate from her towards me, hate towards her from him via me, hate for myself because I was so hideous my mother didn't love me. I was so angry and thus I was horrible.

But his arguments were specious, though I didn't understand. I accepted what he said because I trusted him. Now, today, I can't remember why I trusted him, but as a seven year old I did. It made no sense to me that she kept me despite not wanting me, so I asked him about this often. He continually said she only wanted me so she could control me, that she wanted control over my sister and me and him, that she just wanted power and control. It made no sense whatsoever but it was all I had to go on.

What an ugly, damaging thing to tell your own child: that your other parent is capable of evil and that they actually want to inflict that evil on you. There is no love in this.

I understood so little, almost nothing. My mind was blank and innocent until it was filled with the anger, hatred and bitterness of a grown man.

Pick a noun ...

Parental Alienation is:

Brainwashing, mind control, bullying, child abuse, selfish, revenge, childish, unhealthy, cruel, nasty.

The results are:

Pain, loss, grief, tears, hurt, betrayal, mistrust, loss, anger, more loss.

Today I am angry, hurt and bereaved. Actually I am these things every day. Today I am these things but do not want to be. I want them removed from me. I am tired of carrying them. I am angry at that person for doing this to me. I am hopeful and looking forward to the future because I will find release and peace.

I am determined.

The definition of Parental Alienation

This blog exists as my counsellor has advised me to "write" to my parental alienator and describe how I feel, tell him what I know. He will probably never read this so I'm safe to say anything (and so are you, if you'd like to comment. Please feel free).

To begin with, for those who have never come across this issue before, Parental Alienation is:

From Wikipedia

Parental alienation is any behavior by a parent, a child's mother or father, whether conscious or unconscious, that could create alienation in the relationship between a child and the other parent. Parental alienation can be mild and temporary or extreme and ongoing. Most researchers believe that any alienation of a child against (the child's) other parent is harmful to the child and to the target parent. Extreme, obsessive, and ongoing parental alienation can cause terrible psychological damage to children extending well into adulthood. Parental Alienation focuses on the alienating parents behaviour as opposed to the alienated parent's and alienated children's conditions.

This definition is different from Parental Alienation Syndrome as originally coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1987: "a disturbance in which children are preoccupied with deprecation and criticism of a parent-denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated." Parental Alienation Syndrome symptoms describe the child's behaviours and attitude towards the targeted parent after the child has been effectively programmed and severely alienated from the targeted parent. Parental alienation, on the other hand, describes the alienating parent's or parents' conduct which induces parental alienation syndrome in children.