Monday, 20 August 2007

My experience of Parental Alienation

A quick Internet search of the words "Parental Alienation" together will bring up a host of documents and pages about the subject.

Most of these documents appear to be stories from angry fathers, purposefully alienated from their children by their (ex-)wives. My experience of Parental Alienation is rather different.

I sympathize with these fathers but this Blog is not about the parents: it's about the children.

I'm 37 and have been the victim of Parental Alienation since the age of six. I realized this when I was 35. For twenty nine years, my male parent deliberately tried to alienate me from my mother. Unfortunately she died in 1996, when I was 26, nine years before I realized what that man had done and was doing.

The tragedy of my life is that she died before I could do anything about it. Now I'm trying to reassess my life as a whole, because the person I thought was my dad is not who I believed him to be. The person I believed him to be never existed and instead I have had a masquerade of a parent, using me to avenge himself on my mother.

He was never denied access to my sister and me. His actions were never about that. He rarely paid maintenance either. He chose to live over four hours away from us. No one forced that decision on him. The man did not want to be divorced, I get that. I've been left too so I know how it feels.

Unfortunately, my male parent's actions were about revenge, pure and simple. He wanted to hurt my mother and used me to do it. I don't know if he has ever realised that he hurt me too. His brother, with whom I am in regular contact, once told me that my male parent said he regrets "talking to me" so much about the divorce.

"Talking to me" is an understatement. Over time, whether anyone reads this Blog or not, I will publish everything I can possibly remember in relation to my experiences and what he has done. It will probably come out of order and I might remember more as I go along.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can relate to your story so well, and understand the devistation and heavy burden that you carry in your heart.

I was alienated from my father from the time I was 5, and only realized it a few years ago. I'm 54now. In my case, at least I was given the chance to talk to him while he's still alive, but he had gotten hardened over the years. We talk a little, but with difficulty. He has no desire to talk about the past, keeping any discussions current. I don't think he has much time left, is why.

My children have been alienated from me for about 10 years now, from the time they were 18, when I no longer had control. We were extremely bonded and very close. I loved being a mom. I never thought in a million years, that anyone could come between us. That was a mistake and naive on my part.

The common person in both alienations, is my own mother. To this day, she takes no responsibility, and claims her hands are clean. Though difficult, I finally realized just how evil this woman really is. It would take a novel to describe all the things she has done to me all my life, and now to my children.

I live for the day I am vendicated and truths come out. With each passing year, my hope and faith weakens. The stress of it all has taken a toll on my health. Today, I don't have much fight left in me. I'm not even sure I want treatment to have the chance of getting better. It is just too overwhelming.

I feel for you for not having the chance to talk with your mother. I can only imagine the hurt you feel knowing how much she suffered through this. It may have played a part in her early demise too.

I fear this happening with my sons too, that they'll not have the chance to talk to me when they finally realize it themselves. Trust me when I say, she never blamed you and no doubt loved you very much. Sometimes stepping back is the best thing to do, as she likely wanted what was best for you.

Also, I trust that she only hoped that you would "catch on" one day and vendicate her as your mother who loved you deeply. I find comfort in believing that they watch over us and see what's going on, when they leave this physical world.

There was a time when I wanted to shout it all out to the world. I blogged everywhere I went. I also started a support group that went on for several years. We all did our part in helping to raise awareness. It was startling to find so many in the same dilemma. Seems this is more of an epidemic than first realized.

I wish there was something I could do for all of us who suffer from this, and make it better. Even though PAS has a date on the callender (april 25th)it is still not talked about enough. People who do this should be put in jail along with those who abuse children physically. They kill spiritually and emotionally, and get away with it.

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps somehow to know we are not alone with this. So many others are suffering too, and in various degrees.

Take care and may God Bless You!