Tuesday, 28 August 2007

The purpose of this blog: to parents and children

This blog has multiple purposes. The main one is to try and get the attention of any parents (or indeed anyone else trying to manipulate and alienate) trying to alienate their children from their other parent (or grandparent or aunts or uncles etc).

If the other parent is a REAL abuser of any kind, then go ahead. Do what you need to do to protect your kids and yourself.

However, if the other parents is NOT a real abuser, then read on. If you find fault with your ex and talk about it in front of your kids, you're hurting your kids. If you discuss your ex's faults with your children in a "serious" tone, saying that you're "just being honest", you're hurting your kids.

It's up to parents to be the mature ones, not to put any single thought about their ex into their child's head that wasn't put there by the child's own experience and interactions with that parent.

Don't bad mouth your ex on any level. I know it's hard when you hate them, but you love your kids more, right?

Your kids deserve healthy relationships with both parents. If you're trying to alienate your child from your ex for revenge or to make yourself the favourite parent, you're hurting your child. You're denying them healthy relationships with both parents.

And get this:

YOU WILL GET FOUND OUT.

YOU WON'T GET WAY WITH IT FOREVER.

Let me say this again: one day, your child will REALIZE what you have done. TRUST ME. They will know. It may take years, as with me, but they will work it out. Life experience will show them as they grow up watching interactions between people outside your family.

AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

You will get caught out.

If you're lucky, they'll forgive you but your relationship will never be the same again. They won't trust YOU or love YOU in the same way ever again. If you've been rotten enough, you'll never see them again.

At the very least, THEY'LL BE CLOSER TO THE OTHER PARENT!!! You will MAKE this happen yourself! By attempting to alienate them from your ex (or whoever), you will drive them into their arms in the end.

Take this from someone who knows. ME. I will never speak to my male parent again.

10 comments:

Louise said...

I love it!

And you are sooo right about in the end the kids get it.

But sadly for my father who I was alienated from I didn't get it until he was long gone, I never did get to talk to him about what the other parent did.

However today I do NOT speak to the alienating parent.

Again sadly, the dynamics of an abusive childhood, and marrying a person with personality disprders (MY OPINION) I've falen into being an alienated parent myself.

Strange huh?

Louise

Louise

Rowan said...

Louise, thanks for your comment. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Like you, my other parent died years before I could understand what had happened. The alienator is still alive and kicking, as far as I know. I hope you can get things with your kids sorted out. Is your break-up recent? I've seen short term episodes of PA after nasty break-ups.

JDC said...

I completely agree with you on this. I do find it interesting, however, that many abusive parents (who cannot see their own faults) seem to think that they are being alienated when in fact they are being excluded for the safety of the child(ren). My stepfather still claims after 14 years that he is being alienated from my sister (interesting that he shows no concern about being "alienated" from my brother or I) when in fact he was removed from our lives by the courts because of his abuse of my brother and I. He actually went so far as to accuse my brother and I (we were ten at the time) of molesting my sister-ABSURD and hurtful-in order to obtain custody of her. The court found no evidence of abuse whatsoever, and found that in all likely hood, my stepfather himself was a danger to my sister because of his abuse of my brother and I. Do you think people like this are a detriment to the cause of people truly suffering from PAS?

Bluey said...

Love this site! and thanks Louise for sharing your experience and insights for others.

JDC - do you have any contact with your real father and have you received counselling to help you deal with your past?

Interesting to note Dr Richard Warshak - www.warshak.com writes in his book Divorce Poison Page 287….Most alienated children have not come to terms with their feelings for their parents; they have merely parked their feelings on a mental shelf and tried to ignore them. Their lack of ambivalence toward the target is the tip off. Adults who have truly suffered at the hands of inadequate parents and subsequently resolved their feelings are able to express a wide range of feelings about their parents; love, sympathy for the parents’ own early depreivation that contributed to the deficits as parents, regret for what was missed, anger for the mistreatment they suffered. This is something a person with parental alienation syndrome is unable to do, and it handicaps them in most important personal relationships…

Page 69 ..a child is not alienated when the hostility and apparent rejection is temporary and shortlived, …..coexists with expressions of genuine love and affection….

As it is widely said - the proof will always be in the pudding - Alienators will always be found out.

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