Monday, 17 September 2007

Parental Alienators are liars.

He tried his disowning trick on me in March 2005, over two years ago. It backfired because I never went back to him. He just thinks I'm being stubborn. He wrote a letter at Christmas that year (I think it was then, was possibly her birthday two months after Christmas) to my daughter, telling her that the not-speaking was a) not her fault (which is true, of course, but did I not already tell her that? Why does he think that I would tell her anything else? She was 13. She was big enough to know that for herself), and b) that "it won't last long".

What does that mean: "It won't last long"? What that tells me is that he disowned me quite violently (figuratively), deliberately saying the nastiest, cruellest things he could think of, making fun of me, mocking me, tormenting me and taunting me - but didn't mean it? What this latter tells me is that he didn't mean any of it and that it was all a power play. Should I expect anything less from a Parental Alienator?

It felt like a tantrum at the time, because he couldn't get his own way, and I really don't think he meant it. I think he thought he had so much power over me that I'd fall in line and come running - after all, hadn't I always done that up to that point?

But he went behind my back and verbally challenged my daughter. He challenged my parenting. He went behind my back!! How dare he?! I'm not my mother! He also nagged and nagged and nagged me about my religious beliefs. He would never let it go - but then, hadn't I always been the obedient daughter until then?

I guess it was a matter of time before I realised that he is a control freak. The nagging about my religion was a control issue. He felt he had the right to go behind my back and tell my then 13 year old that my beliefs are wrong (incidentally, she laughed about it because, she said, when he told her that his disagreement with our beliefs doesn't make him wrong, she thought, "Well, actually, it does" :>>>). He bullied me about my religion and it made me think. It made me uncomfortable - and then when I wouldn't give in and asserted myself (for the FIRST time EVER), he went ballistic.

Then he lied about me! My uncle later told me that my male parent had actually sat in front of him with tears in his eyes and said that *I* had disowned him! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

Add this knowledge to the shocking twisted email he sent me and my brain nearly exploded.

I feel now like a big chunk of my life was fake. He RUINED my childhood. Deliberately. HE DESTROYED my relationship with my mother. BY CHOICE. Right now, I'm so effing angry, I have dreams about screaming rage at him.

He RUINED my childhood. He RUINED my childhood. He RUINED my childhood. He RUINED my childhood.

HE DESTROYED my relationship with my mother. HE DESTROYED my relationship with my mother. HE DESTROYED my relationship with my mother. HE DESTROYED my relationship with my mother.

I'm so angry. I can't tell you how angry I am. I am furious. So filled with rage that I want to scream and cry.

My mother is dead and he's happy about it. He's happy that he made me hate her while she was alive. He's happy that my relationship with her was ruined because he made me love her more than him - but it's not true anymore and that was never real love because anything I felt for him was based on a lie and HE NEVER LOVED ME EITHER.

He could not love me if he could do that to me.

I feel angry and guilty, still. I want to tell my mother how sorry I am but I can't. Though I know life goes on after death and I know that she is aware of what I'm going through now, and that she's also aware of everything that has happened, I still feel these emotions now.

My childhood was a tragedy because of a parental alienator.

1 comment:

Amy J.L. Baker said...

Greetings Rowan,

I have read your blog with interest as I have just written a book about what happens to children who grow up alienated from one parent due to the actions and attitudes of the other parent. You might find the book helpful as it explains the strategies that these parents use, compares alienating parents to cult leaders, decribes the different catalysts to having the realization that one has been a child victim of parental alienation, and discusses the long-term effects of parental alienation. The book is called "Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind." If you do choose to read it, I would love to hear from you what you think. Please feel free to keep in touch with me directly at

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.