Monday, 4 February 2008

I feel absolutely empty and have done for days and days. I'm cancelling my counselling session this week because it's pointless. I cannot tell the counsellor everything I think and feel and remember, just scratch the surface. I can't tell her, for example, that when I was 20, I felt I should have my eldest offspring. I just felt I should and that was that, never mind that I was a student and abroad and unmarried. Looking back, I realised yesterday that had I not had that offspring, I would be dead by now. I don't know how I would have died but suicide isn't to be counted out, purely because I felt so incredibly and utterley WORTHLESS.

That man made me believe I was worthless to my mother. He also made me believe that if I didn't do or say or think exactly as he did, I was worthless to him too.

So today I feel worthless and useless and like none of this will ever end. I'm not going anywhere: my little family and I are fine, but I will never tell the offspring these things. They will never know that the only reason I didn't drink myself or smoke myself to death ten years ago was because of them. I have given up trying to remove the results of Parental Alienation from my brain because it's tiring and hard and never seems to end.

I said a while ago that I am redefining everything. This now extends to my future life. I am planning a different life to encompass the years beyond my children being at home. I have a new career planned which will probably consume my life because it's a subject that interests me greatly.

I cannot get over my mother being dead. I cannot get over him deliberately hurting me so much. SO MUCH. I can't bear any of it. I haven't smoked or drunk alcohol or coffee for 3.5 years but I'm considering resuming all three. I didn't feel pain like this when I smoked ten cigarettes a day or drank four cups of coffee.

Sleep - still bad, still nightmares. I feel for Britney. I hope she gets well. I hope she sleeps a lot over the next two weeks, although her loss is giving her nightmares too.

I thought realising my mother loved me would be the beginning of a new mindset or a new start to my life. It hasn't been. I feel the most incredible loss not just for my mum but also what should have been.

If I saw that man today, I'd punch his lights out. I want to hurt him so badly, I feel like a criminal - and I don't even use smacks to punish my offspring.


Innocent Parent/Child Advocate said...

Worthless? Wow, here I am calling you a hero!

Not only am I looking to you for direction but so are many other alienated parents.

Apparently, you have no idea the impact of your being brave enough to tell you story has on those of us that feel [some days] that there is no hope.

Your words are golden songs to alienated parents ears everywhere.

Your words may have been the eye opener my children needed, so I sent a few of your blogs to them.

Did your words work? I'm not sure but there has been contact!

I firmly believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and my therapist believes that the reason this has happened to me might have been to help me find my backbone and help others (shrug).

Whatever the reason for your being is, I can say with 100% certainty that you have been my hero and gave me hope where there was little hope before.

What you are feeling is normal, and I wish you would go to your therapist this and every week.

Long term consistent therapy is EXACTLY what we all need! [those of us that have been the target of a manipulators emotional abuse.]

Head up kid(smile), you've done and keep doing- GREAT!

Bob said...

I can understand the pain in some level, being an alienated parent.

But you are strong and not worthless.
I agree with the previous comment.
You are a hero just by your strength in speaking about your feelings and thoughts of being an alienated child.

This strength and courage helps others and yourself. Even though it may not seem it right now. It is telling people and alienated children that bad things happen, but you can be strong and make things better. Yes it is hard but you are doing it and helping many while you are.

You can not change what was done to you and your lost. But you can continue to change your future.

Your blog is helping many I am sure and think of a child or young adult who may be going through this right now and being able to understand what is going on and maybe help them deal with coming across your blog. Think f the power you have if you reach just a few, and it grows because they seen your strength.You are a hero!

I am sure your mom is looking down from heaven and smiling at how you turned out. Think of the example you are for your off spring and the example you are and will be to them.

You are a hero! Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

Worthless? OMG - NO!!! Your blogs have helped me TREMENDOUSLY!!! I can't thank you enough for them. I am a targeted parent who right now is the midst of a hate campaign. My two boys (ages 15 and 16) HATE me. He has been turning them against me since they were 4 and 5 years old. I am called names, they refuse to help me in any way, they won't even clean up after themselves. It is diminishing my self-esteem as a PERSON. They tell me constantly they are going to live with their dad full time and will have nothing to do with me. I have actually considered just letting them go. After reading your blogs, that's not going to happen. I will deal with the abuse for three more years and just pray to God that eventually they will see what he's done, like you have finally seen. And today I received the hearing notice in the mail - he filed for full custody. Do not hold yourself responsible - your mind was not your own. By you speaking out, you are helping the currently targeted parents understand what is going on and you give us the hope to continue to hang on. I think you are FABULOUS!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!