Sunday, 17 February 2008

Siblings continued

So now I'm trying to work out what motivated my sister. Why is she like this? Through reading and counselling, I've come to believe that my male parent's mother being forced out of the house when he was eleven years old is a defining moment in his life. I strongly believe it has made him what he is. His reactions to upset are those of an eleven year old boy. Ditto his behaviour towards females. He does not know healthy boundaries towards females, nor how to process disagreements.

But her - I don't know what the trigger point in her is. It's going to take time to work out. Our parents' divorce is part of it. Perhaps she was told I was the male parent's favourite? If there was any counter alienation going on, I never knew about it. Indeed, I've mentioned that mum almost never defended herself.

For some reason, she hates me, plain and simple, and always has. For some reason, she feels threatened by me, and yet is as obsessed with me as he was.

She likes to tell stories about me to people, untruths and half truths. She acts like an obsessed alienator. I almost laughed when I realised this. She is like an obsessed alienator - but why? She says she wants no contact with me but spends a long time talking to my ex, fishing for information about me.

If you have any ideas, please speak up. It won't help me to resolve anything because she wishes I were dead; it will just be good to know. Once I know reasons, I'm capable of processing things and putting them behind me. I have had to resign myself to never seeing her or her kids again. I have money put aside in my will for them. I can't write to them because I'm not allowed to know where they live. I had to give up trying to reconcile with her a few years ago, you know. I couldn't cope with the upset anymore. It's so distressing even now, to know that she wishes I didn't exist and that we can't see her children, my mother's grandchildren. It breaks my heart. I was distraught when I was told about her dealings with my ex last weekend - clearly she is thinking about me.

I'm not a terrible person! I don't deserve this!! I don't deserve to be abandoned by the two of them when I have done nothing wrong! I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!! I have tried to be there for them both and have put up with an awful lot, including inappropriate behaviours from him, and downright lies from the pair of them, and when I said "No more", I'm cast aside. I have never lied about them or cut them off. I tried to maintain relationships that anyone can see were essentially unhealthy by reading this blog, but this situation tears me up. I want to see my sister and I wish I had a healthy-minded father. My mother is dead. I feel like an orphan.

3 comments:

GT said...

Alienation is a generational curse. Yes, it sounds like your sister is acting like an obsessed alienator. It's possible someone did alienate her from you and not necessarily your mother, could have been someone else. It is sad, because your sister is only destroying herself. But, I know it is very painful for you. I used to alienate, but when I stopped, my parents, my two sisters, and my nieces and nephews refuse to acknowledge me in any way. Now that I am trying to manifest healthy behavior, I am rejected. Who knows why a family does that? I am also "not allowed" to have addresses or phone numbers of family members. What I have done is find other people to be my "family" and concentrate on them. Leave the rest to their sorry selves and sorry existence. You can't let them drag you down. I have been told that my family thinks I am "better than them". Yeah, I don't alienate anymore or lie or try to destroy relationships. I refuse to participate in their sick little games they play with family members. Take it as a compliment that they don't want to have to do with you...means you are doing something right! God bless.

Anonymous said...

I can certainly sense the pain associated with your family and can relate to it within my own set of circumstances, (as targeted mom),and former child of a hostile and aggressive parent divorce. Subsequently, both biological parents remarried more dominant partners, who have had far less interest in me, or my life in general.

Even though it has taken me a long time to accept the fact that I can only control my own behaviours, and must let others take full responsibility for their own, the concept has brought me some measure of peace. Like the blogger before me, I have begun to create my own family of friends and trusted confidantes. I am aware that no one person, can fill my yearning to have my mom's or dad's love and acceptance, but, a handful of carefully selected friends can go a long way toward providing a social-life and quasi-support system that sustains me. I gravitated toward those who are mostly optimistic, sensitive, kind and most importantly, have incorporated a good sense of humor into their daily lives.

In addition, much like yourself, I too, have found writing to be therapeutic in my efforts to cope with the agonizing grief.

I hope this helps a bit,
keep smiling...

Marilyn

Anonymous said...

a generational curse for sure! Same thing happened to me. My sisters disowned me when I needed them most. When I had my children! And I literally have done nothing. All you can do is seek solace in knowing what their pathology is because understanding is all you have. Chin up! Stop thinking about them and think about you! That's the point right? YOU are who really matters! And no you cannot control what other people do. You can only control yourself, and it is not your onus or responsibility to turn them into good people. It really is their loss. HUGS!