This blog may end now. I'm not sure, but I don't know if I'll post anymore.
I have recently discovered that I have Asperger's Syndrome. It's not a surprise but it's not a good thing either.
I have always imagined my social difficulties and confusion about people's behaviours to be due to Parental Alienation and my dysfunctional upbringing (although I've often said I brought myself up, having been ignored/neglected/messed with by inadequate parenting), and that with time I would grow out of them.
At the age of 37, I'm still socially inept and awkward, hence me speaking to the right people who gave me this diagnosis.
It explains an awful lot. It removes some of the blame for my difficult relationship with my mother from PA/my male parent, but it doesn't absolve him. He still did what he did. Asperger's Syndrome exacerbated the antagonism between Mum and me, to a large extent because the condition was unknown when I was a child.
I can now relax into who I am, for once in my life. Now I can learn not to panic about panicking about social situations (not a typo). The diagnosis has given me a certain level of peace with who I am. It's not my fault. I am not bad. I have not brought it upon myself. I can plan around it now without feeling foolish or childish or deliberately awkward or incapable. I planned a trip to our capital city last week, based around what I can and can't cope with, and it was the best trip I've ever had - I didn't put myself in a single situation that was bad for me because now I understand my limits, so no stress occurred.
However now I know that I'm never going to change. I am this socially inept person for the rest of my life. I am never going to be like you. I am always going to find social situations challenging and confusion and EXHAUSTING. It's never going to change because my brain is a little bit broken. I am never going to have a full social life or groups of friends I can relax with.
My mother is dead, all my grandparents are dead, my male parent is too dangerous to be around, my sister wishes me dead (because she received as much of my bad/incorrect behaviour due to Asperger's as my mother did), my brothers avoid me because of the Asperger's, my extended family all avoid me. People avoid me in general because of the Asperger's.
It's always going to be like this and I can't tell anyone why, at least not until my youngest daughter is grown up (9 years time) because I have a spiteful ex who will use it against me.
I also cannot tell anyone that I couldn't get out of bed this morning because of despair, because I am afraid my children will be taken from me. Parental Alienation and Asperger's Syndrome have ruined my life. I am planning the next 30 years around the fact that I will be by myself (although my children are good to me and always will be).
I am not about to do anything extreme, don't worry - but there are worse thoughts in my head right now than ever in my life before. This blog is the only place I can be honest and take these thoughts out of my brain, because they've been rolling around in there since the beginning of March. If it weren't for my kids, I'd have been dead a long time ago simply because of the PA, and now, if I didn't have them, this blog would not have this entry.