Monday, 14 April 2008

This blog may end now. I'm not sure, but I don't know if I'll post anymore.

I have recently discovered that I have Asperger's Syndrome. It's not a surprise but it's not a good thing either.

I have always imagined my social difficulties and confusion about people's behaviours to be due to Parental Alienation and my dysfunctional upbringing (although I've often said I brought myself up, having been ignored/neglected/messed with by inadequate parenting), and that with time I would grow out of them.

At the age of 37, I'm still socially inept and awkward, hence me speaking to the right people who gave me this diagnosis.

It explains an awful lot. It removes some of the blame for my difficult relationship with my mother from PA/my male parent, but it doesn't absolve him. He still did what he did. Asperger's Syndrome exacerbated the antagonism between Mum and me, to a large extent because the condition was unknown when I was a child.

I can now relax into who I am, for once in my life. Now I can learn not to panic about panicking about social situations (not a typo). The diagnosis has given me a certain level of peace with who I am. It's not my fault. I am not bad. I have not brought it upon myself. I can plan around it now without feeling foolish or childish or deliberately awkward or incapable. I planned a trip to our capital city last week, based around what I can and can't cope with, and it was the best trip I've ever had - I didn't put myself in a single situation that was bad for me because now I understand my limits, so no stress occurred.

However now I know that I'm never going to change. I am this socially inept person for the rest of my life. I am never going to be like you. I am always going to find social situations challenging and confusion and EXHAUSTING. It's never going to change because my brain is a little bit broken. I am never going to have a full social life or groups of friends I can relax with.

My mother is dead, all my grandparents are dead, my male parent is too dangerous to be around, my sister wishes me dead (because she received as much of my bad/incorrect behaviour due to Asperger's as my mother did), my brothers avoid me because of the Asperger's, my extended family all avoid me. People avoid me in general because of the Asperger's.

It's always going to be like this and I can't tell anyone why, at least not until my youngest daughter is grown up (9 years time) because I have a spiteful ex who will use it against me.

I also cannot tell anyone that I couldn't get out of bed this morning because of despair, because I am afraid my children will be taken from me. Parental Alienation and Asperger's Syndrome have ruined my life. I am planning the next 30 years around the fact that I will be by myself (although my children are good to me and always will be).

I am not about to do anything extreme, don't worry - but there are worse thoughts in my head right now than ever in my life before. This blog is the only place I can be honest and take these thoughts out of my brain, because they've been rolling around in there since the beginning of March. If it weren't for my kids, I'd have been dead a long time ago simply because of the PA, and now, if I didn't have them, this blog would not have this entry.


Jill Davis Doughtie said...

My thoughts are with you. Sometimes it helps just to know that there's a name for it. Hug.

Could your children really be taken from you because of Asperger's? I find that hard to imagine.

Louise Uccio said...


Your one amazing woman, strong, honest with yourself, and others, and very in tuned with things around you, I'm sure you'll be fine!

If you need to talk, you know where to find me. I hope you don't stop blogging, you have been an inspiration to many!


Anonymous said...

Hope you are able to continue, you have helped me so much, thank you and bless you

dlsnc said...

Don't worry about asperger syndrome, alot of people who have it are gifted, read about it. Your a very special person, you have given many people an insight on how the child felt being alienated, which is helping adults and children who are dealing with the problem.
Many people grow up in disfunctional families, and they go on to be great parents, because they have a greater understanding of life and love.

Anonymous said...

i hope you continue blogging, best to you.

Anonymous said...

It seems you have found who you are and are OK with that. That is a sign of true healing. However, as noted in the other comments, it is hoped you continue to blog to help others heal.

I have found your blogs to be enormously insightful and purposeful. I believe they have also helped me understand my situation and move forward.

I hope you will continue blogging your wisdom. Who knows-not only might it be a balm for others, but it may continue being the balm in your life that moves you forward.

All the best in whatever your decision is.

Robin Denison
Parental Alienation Awareness Advocate (PAAO) and

dlsnc said...

Do you think that severe parent alienation can cause symptoms like asperger, due to the fact that the child is alienated from a parent, families and friends, which causes the child to be anxious, aggresive, lack self confidence and finds social interaction difficult. It seems the symptoms are very similar, so therefore the treatment for aspergers may benefit a child that has gone through severe alienation. This could be very important in the healing process.

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Solano Courts said...

I came across your post and think about my situation. I am dying but have kept it to myself as I fight to constrain my ex-wife's alienation. I thought of bringing this up in Court, but keep it to myself.

Your post is old, but I hope you are well and found peace or resolution. Parental Alienation is very painful.

When I leave, I will have a lot of hatred for the lawyers who have played games with legal procedures to enable my ex and bitterness for the Courts. I will also have bitterness for the Court expert who downplayed and practically denied PA existed. All this in the year 2012 in California, USA.

I would feel better if those like yourself continued to get the word out and extinguish this terrible disease as my children will still be part of this world.