Saturday, 10 November 2007

How an alienated child really feels about the alienated parent

I loved my mother even though I was alienated from her. It looked like I hated her. That's how I behaved: always angry and irritable with her, always complaining about her, rejecting her constantly, perceiving every "no" as "no, because I don't love you". I actually loved her deeply but had no way of showing it. The alienator wouldn't allow it. He wouldn't even allow me to feel it.

What looks like hatred in an alienated child is actually anger.

They don't hate you. They're angry at you because they think they hate you and they've been told you don't love them.

I hated her telling me off because I had been told she only reprimanded me because she didn't love me. Every time I was told off as children often are, my heart broke because it reinforced what I had been told. This made me angrier and angrier. It must have been harder and harder for her because she withdrew from me more and more, which made me angrier and angrier, and supported what I'd been told.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Rowen,
Please continue to chronacle your childhood experiences with alienation. Your posts may help alienated parents realize things are not always what they seem and that alienated parents must not give up hope. They must continue reaching out to their children with love, support, and understanding. As you have shown, alienation can be just as painful to the child as to the alienated parent.

Looking forward to your next blog.
Robin Denison
Robin in Miami

Rowan Blackwood said...

Thank you for your comment. I sometimes wonder if this blog is doing any good. I hope it is. :>

jonnybsmom said...

I feel like I could sit for hours upon hours and read and re read this blog.....my son is 18 and his father the AP died last February. It is SO VERY HARD to do anything with him...disciplne, fun any everyday thing because a debate with him....and then in the middle of his spewing he will say some so off the wall I wonder if he even knows he said it. Like during a session of him critizing by way of doing laundry he asked if I wanted to play a board game.....then kept on hammering away at me for all the things I do or don't do to his liking! He sucks the life out of me. I am so glad to have found your blog....it is helpful, I read and re read everyday. Thnaks to you and your strength to do this.