Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Looking back positively for the first time

I've realised today that I'm looking backwards quite a bit at the moment, but not in a negative way. I am able to look back at memories of the years when the alienation was at its worst in a way I previously avoided. I've known for a long, long time that for some reason, the 70s and 80s were painful periods for me, obviously, but they were so painful I couldn't bear to remember them for long, if at all. For example, I am looking up old friends and listening to favourite music of the 80s now, when I haven't been able to before now.

Facing upto and getting an understanding of the PA has lead to me being able to not only fondly remember my life during the times when it was at its worst, but also remember my mother and her family in a positive light. I've never been able to do this. When a friend of mine said "Remember the good times," I simply couldn't. If there were any good times my mind was so accustomed to putting a negative spin on events, that they were rationalized out of existence. She was never nice to me - she was only sucking up or manipulating me into trusting her etc, were common "explanations" of mum being nice. She was never just nice to me as a normal behaviour. The male parent always explained everything away.

More later. Have to go.


Anonymous said...

As horrible as what "your male parent" did to you, an important part of healing is to try and forgive the alienating parent. Every child (regardless of age) should try and include both parents in their lives. You are fortunate in that you can now have a more appropriate perspective of the roles of both of your parents in your life.

The healing cycle would be complete if you could help your Father understand how his behaviors affected your life, with the hope that no other child or family will be so painfully affected. We are now learning that (some) alienators can be changed.

I wish you the best with coming to terms with your childhood, and hope you will continue writing your blog. It has given some very valuable insight into the dynamics of Parental Alienation and its long term effects.

Robin Denison

Mike said...


Music is wonderful to bring back good memories. I can still see the visions of good times with my ex through music. (She is the alienator) and it helps the hurt. It can help clear away, temporarily, what I call the thin veil of misery we sometimes wear when a personal crisis or tragedy weighs us down each and every day.

You are doing much that is right to overcome what happened to you and I am learning what my two youngest girls might be thinking because they are going through where you have been.

Mike Murphy

Kevina said...

Great work.